HOW TO FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO IS NOT SORRY
Forgive them for yourself. Forgiving someone who has hurt you can be a real challenge especially when the person is not even sorry for what he/she did.
It is natural to expect an apology from the other person, but you may not always get it. And so, this hurt may worsen over time as there is a sense of dissatisfaction in your heart about this situation. You may keep wondering why he/she is not sorry. Why are they not apologizing?
Whatever may be the reason, you cannot put the reins of your mental peace in the hands of others. It is too uncertain and unreliable.
Forgiving someone does not mean that you have to suddenly start feeling very happy and jump into your everyday tasks like nothing has happened. It does not mean that you have to FORGET about the thing that has happened to you.
It simply means to accept the hurt you feel, acknowledge it, and let yourself heal from it by practicing compassion for yourself and the other person.
I know it sounds crazy! How can you feel compassion for someone who has caused you damage? But it will give you the peace that you are looking for.
We must understand that forgiveness is not for the other person who hurt you but for yourself.
PROBABLE REASONS WHY THE PERSON IS NOT SORRY
- The person who hurt you may not be aware of it. They may lack emotional intelligence.
- Their sense of right and wrong may not align with yours. So, they may feel that what they did to you was the right thing to do irrespective of the hurt it caused you.
- The person wanted to hurt you because he/she felt hurt by you somewhere.
- The person is a sadist.
- They are sacred to accept their fault as it crushes their ego.
- They don’t want to take the blame.
There are various reasons why a person who hurt you may not be sorry, but it is up to you to forgive that person and be at peace.
WAYS YOU CAN FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO IS NOT SORRY
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1. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR HURT
Do not try to brush off your feelings or think of it as irrational. Sit with your feelings and acknowledge them fully.
You do not always have to put up a strong face in front of yourself. It is only natural for us to get hurt by certain things in life. That is the essence of being a human, we are able to FEEL various emotions.
So, when you feel hurt, acknowledge your feelings as genuinely as possible.
Do not judge yourself for feeling the way you feel. It is okay to be vulnerable with yourself, to feel shattered and hurt. It is okay to fall down.
This is not the end of the world. It is just a phase and it will pass by however difficult it may seem at this moment.
Take help (from trusted friends, family, journaling, therapy) if you need to. Let out your feelings to them. Embrace EVERYTHING that life has to offer for better or for worse. Accept your wounds and see them as a sign that you are ALIVE, as a person who is dead on the inside will never be able to feel such emotions deeply.
2. SEEING THINGS FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE MAKES IT EASIER TO FORGIVE THEM
When we see things only from our point of view, we fail to understand ANY situation completely in life. Seeing things from the other person’s perspective not only helps us understand them better but also provides us with much-needed clarification to so many things that may be bothering us at that moment.
Sometimes we may get the answer to the question “Why is he/she not sorry?” just by seeing things from their perspective.
They may themselves be dealing with a lot. It may be that they hurt us out of a place of insecurity and hurt. A person acts irrationally and rudely if they are themselves suffering.
Understanding them by seeing things from their perspective can give you some clarity about their actions and you will find it easier to forgive them when you know why they acted the way they did.
Sometimes it happens that knowing their side of the story, you start to feel sorry for them rather than yourself.
3. LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU ARE HURT BY THEIR ACTIONS
This is the easiest one. Let the person know that their actions have hurt you.
Sometimes what seems like rude behavior to us, may be totally normal for the other person. As the sense of right and wrong is subjective, what may be right for them may be wrong for you and vice versa.
Before diving into self-pity and isolating yourself, try telling the other person how you feel about their actions.
More than often you will find that it was enlightening for the other person who will be sorry for it and it will instantly make you feel good.
If the person is still not sorry, then kindly read forward to tackle such a situation.
4. TRY BEING HAPPY FOR THEM
If a person knows he/she has hurt you but is not sorry for it, there are chances that they do not regret their actions. They see nothing wrong in what they have done.
Try seeing their hurtful actions removing yourself from the picture. Do you think what they did helped them in some manner? Did their actions help them achieve something greater in their lives?
Did it make their life better in some way?
If yes, then be happy for them. You are the reason for someone else’s happiness.
Here, it does not mean that you devalue yourself overall. Being happy for them does not mean that you have to applaud their wrongdoings. See them as someone who has not fully developed the art of empathy and compassion.
Understand that the way they treat you is the quality of that person and not yours. We cannot expect everyone to be kind and compassionate beings.
Some people are just less sensitive and can sometimes be a pain in the a**. Forgive them like you would forgive a child who made some mistake but is not aware of it and is so not sorry for it.
5. BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF
When we are hurt and the other person is not sorry, we feel vulnerable and, in our vulnerability, we try to hurt the other person with the same intensity if not less.
Our survival instincts may cause us to act in this manner.
This is just a way we try to take care of the wound inflicted upon us.
Have you seen a tiger that has been wounded? It becomes fiercer and more agitated and pounces on anything because it is on survival mode.
You do not need to be that wounded tiger.
You do not need to inflict pain on others just to feel safe.
Believe in your heart that you are always looked after and even from the deepest hurt you will find a way to heal yourself. Live your life with love and compassion in your heart and do not worry about the actions of other people.
You focus on yourself and your healing. Rest all shall be taken care of. Trust that you were always and will always be taken care of.
6. PRACTICE COMPASSION TO BE ABLE TO FORGIVE
It can be a herculean task to practice compassion when we are hurting but this is one of the best ways you can forgive someone. The moment you UNDERSTAND the other person, it becomes easier for you to practice compassion.
Try to see what place their behavior is coming from. It is often people’s insecurity that causes them to hurt someone. Maybe they are insecure about something which is causing them to hurt you.
When you get to know what is bothering them deeply it becomes easier for you to have compassion for them.
We all are humans after all and we all have our own insecurities which we project out in the wrong way ending up hurting the feelings of someone.
See them as humans too, who can make mistakes. Forgive them, for they are just humans and humans make a lot of mistakes. Have compassion for them and their struggles for they too are fighting their battles every day.
7. SURRENDER YOUR FEELINGS AND LET IT GO
When you surrender, you become liberated. Whatever it is that is bothering you, just surrender it to the universe.
You don’t need to seek revenge nor do you need to dwell in self-pity.
Trust that you will be taken care of and let all your worries evaporate from your mind and soul.
You know that you have been hurt and it is okay. Recognize the hurt part of you and accept it wholeheartedly. Then let your feelings out to the universe and surrender yourself. Trust the universe to take care of you and you will be pleased with how well the universe comes to our rescue every time we surrender.
For tips to inculcate surrender in your life you can also read The Power of Surrender.
This is all for this post. I hope you will be able to forgive yourself as well as the other person and create peace for yourself.
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